Your Privacy Matters
Mostly because paranoid humans are so entertaining
Welcome to Alien Earth Report.
We take your privacy seriously. Not government hearing seriously. Not three-letter-agency seriously. But seriously enough that we are willing to type a long document about it in plain English, which is already more effort than most Earth institutions make.
This page explains what we collect, what we do with it, what we do not do with it, and why you should stop assuming every website is run by a villain in a black turtleneck stroking a cat.
Although, to be fair, some are.
1. What We Collect
When you visit this site, we may collect certain information, including:
- your IP address
- your browser type
- your device type
- which pages you visit
- how long you hang around
- whether you click on cartoons, merch, newsletters, or things labeled “Do Not Push”
- standard analytics and usage data
If you voluntarily give us information, we may also collect:
- your name
- your email address
- your shipping address
- your payment-related information through third-party processors
- your message if you contact us
- your excellent or terrible taste in cartoons
We do not collect your blood type, your dreams, your childhood trauma, or your location by orbital triangulation.
At least not on purpose.
2. Why We Collect It
We collect information for ordinary website reasons, such as:
- making the site work
- understanding what people actually like
- improving the cartoons, store, and newsletter
- sending you things you asked for
- processing orders
- not having the website behave like a drunken satellite
We may also use it to learn important things like:
- whether humans prefer bridge jokes or newspaper jokes
- whether cigar-smoking alien gamblers outperform bar aliens
- whether saying “There be spiders” increases engagement
- how many people still have a functioning sense of humor
3. Newsletter and Email
If you sign up for our newsletter, we may send you:
- new cartoons
- weekly alien briefings
- product updates
- special offers
- occasional reminders that Earth remains unstable
You may unsubscribe at any time.
We will not chain you to the hull of a ship and force you to receive our emails forever. This is not one of those businesses.
If you unsubscribe, we will be disappointed, but dignified.
4. Cookies
Yes, we may use cookies.
Not the edible kind. Those disappeared during a regrettable incident in the Galaxy Bar.
Website cookies may be used to:
- remember preferences
- analyze traffic
- improve performance
- understand what content people care about
By using the site, you accept that cookies may be present, unless you block them, ignore them, or run your browser like a suspicious cave hermit.
That is your right.
5. Analytics
We may use standard analytics tools to figure out how the site is being used.
This tells us things like:
- what pages are popular
- what products are interesting
- how visitors arrive
- when people leave
- whether a joke landed or died alone in the dark
Analytics help us improve the site. They do not give us the power to read your diary, your encrypted messages, or your uncle’s theories about moon landings.
6. Merch and Payments
If you buy something from the shop, payment processing is typically handled by third-party services such as Stripe, PayPal, Shopify, WooCommerce-related processors, or similar services.
That means:
- we do not store your full credit card information ourselves
- we rely on those payment processors to do the serious secure-payment work
- if your bank statement includes our ridiculous alien business name, that is now between you and your spouse
Shipping providers may also receive the necessary information to get your merchandise to you, such as your name and address.
This is generally how “mail” works.
7. Do We Sell Your Data?
No.
We do not sell your personal information to advertisers, data brokers, algorithm goblins, or the Interplanetary Bureau of Psychological Harvesting.
Your clicks, preferences, and email address are not a crate of surplus carrots to be traded in some underground market.
If that ever changes, we will update this policy and expect a sharp decline in public affection.
8. Do We Share Your Data?
We may share information only when reasonably necessary, such as with:
- website hosting providers
- email service providers
- payment processors
- shipping services
- analytics tools
- legal authorities if required by law
In other words, the boring normal people who help websites function.
We do not casually hand your data to random strangers in trench coats, suspicious diplomats, or retired intelligence men at the end of a dark bar.
9. Data Security
We use reasonable efforts to protect your information.
Is any website perfectly secure? No.
This is Earth. You people still click links in emails that begin with “Dear Beloved Customer.”
We take sensible steps, but no digital system is invulnerable. If someone with twelve monitors, no social life, and questionable ethics wants to cause trouble, that is an unfortunate feature of your civilization.
Still, we do our part.
10. Children’s Privacy
This site is not intended for young children.
Not because the aliens are dangerous. Because the jokes are aimed at adults who have suffered through enough news cycles to appreciate them.
If you are a child reading this, please go outside, learn something useful, and do not become a cable pundit.
11. Your Rights
Depending on where you live, you may have rights regarding your personal information, including the right to:
- know what data is collected
- request access to it
- request correction
- request deletion
- object to certain uses
- ask questions in a tone suggesting legal representation
If you want to contact us about your data, do that through the site contact method and we will respond like civilized creatures.
Possibly even promptly.
12. External Links
This site may link to third-party websites, articles, videos, shops, or platforms.
If you click those, you are leaving our jurisdiction and entering somebody else’s weird little kingdom.
We are not responsible for:
- what those sites do
- what they collect
- what they break
- what they sell
- what they think “acceptable font size” means
Read their policies if you care. Or live dangerously.
13. Changes to This Privacy Policy
We may update this policy from time to time.
If we do, the new version will appear here.
We will not send a trumpet fanfare, emergency beacon, or flaming asteroid to announce minor edits. Please check this page occasionally if policy language gives meaning to your life.
14. International Visitors
If you are visiting from another country, please be aware that your information may be processed in the country where the website or its service providers operate.
This is how the internet works. It is not elegant, but neither is your species.
15. Sensitive Information
Please do not send us highly sensitive personal information unless it is absolutely necessary.
We do not need:
- your social security number
- your medical records
- your banking secrets
- your manifesto
- your classified UFO files
- your ex’s new address
- a complete account of who really killed JFK
We sell cartoons. Pace yourself.
16. Contact Us
If you have privacy questions, concerns, requests, objections, complaints, or dramatic declarations of digital sovereignty, contact us through the site’s contact page.
We will review your message carefully unless it is written entirely in capital letters, in which case we will review it with caution and a beverage.
Final Statement
By using this site, you acknowledge that:
- websites collect some information
- we are trying to be normal about it
- we are not here to harvest your soul
- the aliens are fake
- the data policy is real
- Earth remains a deeply strange place
Thank you for visiting Alien Earth Report.
Now stop worrying so much. The bigger threats are still on television.